i'm kind of okay

Blogging is interesting. It makes me realize more and more that I no longer care how people view me. At first I felt really guarded and careful about what I wrote and how I came across but it's sort of liberating to just be okay with exactly who I am. I've noticed a shift in myself in the last few months, particularly since my life has become somewhat open to the public. Every August as I inch my way to another birthday I review things and look at where my life is. I can truly say my only regret so far is that I didn't dance more. Regrets are useless unless you can learn something from them. Growth doesn't come from being stuck in the past but using whatever snippet of wisdom that experience can teach you and keep going.

All things considered, life is pretty short, yet very few of us stop and think about the bigger picture. The mundane shit can often get the best of us and we're often stuck in the "this is the way things will always be" view. Here's why I bring this up.

Back in March I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I suffered silently for months, trying to ignore that I was in an emotional hell. I love and loved my kids beyond measure but everything was difficult and the crying was relentless. I always put on a happy face and marched on until I just sunk and had to ask for help. It's not easy asking for help and sure as hell not easy admitting that you have postpartum depression to myself or others. After all, there's such a stigma around it. People assume you hate your kids and want to jump off a bridge. Not the case for me at all.

I just wasn't myself. My hormones were a complete mess and I did not recognize the person I had become. So some trusty Zoloft came in handy for a few months and definitely helped but after I embarked on my journey to change things, I decided it just wasn't for me and went the natural route by taking care of my hormones, supplementing with the right nutrients and healing my gut (first and foremost). And you know what? I've not felt this good in years. I may be getting older but my outlook is different and every day is really a possibility for something (that's not just bullshit talk).

Raising children is hard, I don't sleep much, chaos is all around me, but for the most part things are alright and I'm alright and at the end of the day that's really all that matters.